I went home last week and had a GREAT week! Of course I missed Justin, but it was so good to be home again. I think I'm always going to call NC home. That's where I was born and raised. I can't help it. I'm really trying to like it up here, but it's just not happening. Every time I think about CT being "home," I cry. This is not my home. This is just a place that we happen to be living right now. I bought a picture frame the other day that says, "Love makes a house a home" hoping it would encourage me to like this place a little more, but it didn't help. I still hate it up here. I hate the long ass hours Justin is having to work. I hate not having anyone to help me with Corbin. I hate crying everyday. I hate getting frustrated when Corbin is upset and I don't know what he needs. I feel like he just wants to see someone other than me, and Justin is always at work. I hate the feeling that his job is more important than us. I sent him a text tonight around 7pm begging him to come home. Corbin had been screaming for a while. I was crying. I didn't know what to do. But of course, he had to stay at work. I would never do anything to hurt Corbin, but I just felt so helpless. I felt like I needed to put him down and walk away for a few minutes and I HATE feeling like this. He needs me. I need him. But I need my husband too. Is this even worth it? Should Justin stay in the Marine Corps if it's going to be like this for the next 3 years? Why did God send us up here? He knew I'd be depressed. Why is He doing this to me. It's ruining my marriage. It's ruining my life. I don't understand....
I do not like feeling like this.
I want to move home, but I do not want my marriage to end. I need Justin in my life. But he's never here.
I need to be happy again. I have a beautiful baby boy who needs me, so why can't I just be happy?
Maybe going home last week was a bad idea. I realized how much I really miss it down there.
I don't know what to do.
Everyone keeps telling me, "it's just your hormones, it'll get better soon". No, it's not. and No, it won't. I don't like it up here and I'm miserable. Justin feels like it's his fault for us being up here and I feel like it's mine. We are constantly arguing about that. Before we moved, we never had a single fight or a single argument. Now, I hardly even speak to him. When he gets home, if Corbin is still up, I hand him the baby, and go to another room. But usually I'm pissed because I've been dealing with a screaming baby for the past several hours and I begged him to come home and he wouldn't.
We've been looking at apartments closer to his office, but we can't afford it. We can't move until next May anyway, so what's the use in looking.
Ughhh... I don't want to go on depression meds because I'm going to breastfeed until he weans himself, but I don't know what else to do. I don't even have the desire to leave the apartment, much less meet "new friends." I don't want new friends. I like my friends back home.
I feel like I'm going to be depressed forever. And I feel like I'm all alone. And no one cares. Yes, I know that sounds stupid and pitiful, but that's just how I feel right now.......
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About Me
- MommyDihel
- I am married to the man of my dreams We have one son and one daughter. Life is amazing! We love living in sunny Florida!
I pray that things get better for you! I understand that you don't feel that this is postpartum, but it could really be a combination of everything together. Maybe you could research and see what other things are available for those who are depressed and not wanting to take medicine. You could very well have postpartum (which is very common) and then with being so far away from family and friend and Justin working late all makes it worse. I understand that you don't want to go out and make new friends, but you need to do...if not for yourself, then for Corbin! It would be beneficial for Corbin to get out and socialize with other people (big and small). There is nothing wrong with new friends...look at Meredith & I! :) I can't imagine being down here away from my friends without having a friend like Meredith! There have to be other moms like you close to where you live....you could find other military SAHMs of babies, or just SAHMs with babies, or La Leche, or there is a stroller strides that meets close to you. You can just go so Corbin can interact with other kids, and who knows maybe you will find a life long friend! I'm sure the life of being a military family is very difficult, but at least you do get to see him in the evenings and weekends (he could be in a position where he was deployed). You need to communicate with Justin...you guys are such a great couple, you have been through so much already. He loves you and Corbin and I'm sure this is tearing him up knowing that you are so unhappy, and all that stress could cause him to have problems at work. Maybe after he gets some time under his belt and fully learns his job he won't have to work such long hours? You will get through this!! Please reconsider joining a mommy's group. You should go try to make some connections before winter comes, otherwise you might really not want to get out and do anything. I'll be thinking about you and praying that things get better/easier for you!
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